Christmas! In July?

christmas keepsake

Airs: July 3-12 on Hallmark Channel

It’s the most warmderful time of the year!  That time of year when the Hallmark Channel thinks it is Christmastime.  Beginning tomorrow at 2pm EDT, Hallmark will show wall-to-wall Christmas movies through the end of next weekend.  Family for Christmas will be a new movie airing next Saturday at 9pm EDT.  I know you are wondering, “Which ones should I watch?  Are they all good?”  I can help, below is my ranking of their holiday movies, a brief note and the WWYT Rating. [Ed. Note – Standard Hallmark movie is Man and Woman meet.  Someone lies.  They fall in love.  Lie comes out.  Anger! Forgiveness! Happily Ever After!]

  1. Winter Wonderland – A male lead with a personality? Say it isn’t so, Hallmark! – 7.90
  2. The Most Wonderful Time of the Year – The Fonz! Surprisingly well done.  – 7.60
  3. Hitched for the Holidays – Actually acknowledges the existence of Hanukkah. Stars Joey Lawrence, adjust your rating accordingly – 7.50
  4. A Very Merry Mix-up – Completely ludicrous. I loved every second of it. – 7.45
  5. Matchmaking Santa – Cute movie, only a little ludicrous. Did you know the secret to making good cookies was vanilla? – 7.10
  6. Christmas with Holly – A child won’t speak after her parents death. Absolutely nothing to do with Christmas.  – 7.00
  7. Naughty or Nice – Slightly different for Hallmark. A woman named Kris Kringle finds the Naughty and Nice book.  Hilarity ensues.  Or should I say Hilarie ensues (stars Hilarie Burton) – 6.99

8t. Snow Bride – Standard Hallmark plot. – 6.90

8t. A Bride for Christmas – Standard Hallmark plot – 6.90

10t. Nine Lives of Christmas – The cats are the real stars of this movie. – 6.85

10t. Christmas Sheppard – The dog is the real star of this movie.  – 6.85

  1. Christmas at Cartwrights – A somewhat realistic Hallmark movie. They must be slipping. – 6.80
  2. Angel Sing – Non-Standard movie. Actually focuses on the male lead. – 6.79
  3. Trading Christmas – A House swap movie that actually works. – 6.75
  4. Holiday Engagement – Okay movie, but left a lot unresolved. – 6.70

16t. A Princess for Christmas – An American falls in love with a prince.  – 6.60

16t. Royal Christmas – EXACT same movie as Princess for Christmas.  EXACT – 6.60

  1. Christmas Under Wraps – Solid, nothing good, nothing bad. – 6.50
  2. Eve’s Christmas – Woman travels back in time. Changes it. That is the kind of ludicrous concept I am looking for Hallmark! – 6.49
  3. Catch a Christmas Star – Man refuses to date super hot famous singer, because…You’re on a roll now Hallmark. – 6.48
  4. Baby’s First Christmas – Man and woman “hate” each other, but forced to spend Christmas together to spend time with their new nephew.  You won’t believe what happens next.  Oh wait, yes you will. – 6.45
  5. Three Wise Woman – More Time Travelling! Seems to violate most “established” rules about Time Travel. Way to go Hallmark! – 6.44
  6. Christmas Pageant – Standard Hallmark movie – 6.40
  7. Let it Snow – Over the top cheesy. Hallmark in vintage form. – 6.39
  8. Christmas Magic – Completely unmemorable – 6.35
  9. Pete’s Christmas – Groundhog day for Pete. For some inexplicable reason, gets blamed for everything. – 6.26

27t. One Starry Christmas – Sidekicks steal the show. – 6.25

27t. Fir Crazy – Female lead slightly annoying.  – 6.25

  1. Christmas Cupid – Clever twist on A Christmas Carol. Lots of holes in plot makes it tough to give a higher ranking. – 6.20
  2. Help for the Holidays – Even by Hallmark standards this is cheesy. Stars Summer Glau, adjust your ratings accordingly. – 6.20
  3. Cookie Cutter Christmas – A cookie cutter Hallmark movie – 6.15
  4. Moonlight and Mistletoe – Woman seems very cross – 6.14
  5. Call Me Mrs. Miracle – Pretty unmemorable. – 6.11
  6. Christmas in Conway – Tearjerker Alert! Depressing for a Hallmark Christmas movie – 6.10
  7. Santa Switch – Male lead too unlikeable to root for him. – 6.09
  8. Christmas Ornament – Female lead is so very cross. So cross. – 6.08
  9. Mistletoe Over Manhattan – A couple is going through a divorce. Oh yay! Sounds like a great cheery Christmas movie. – 6.07

38t. Christmas Dance – Standard Hallmark Movie.  Lie should be too egregious to be forgiven. – 6.05

38t. A Boyfriend for Christmas – Standard Hallmark Movie.  Too many opportunities to tell the truth. – 6.05

  1. Annie Claus is Coming to Town – Only people from Wisconsin might have the tolerance for this extra cheesy movie. – 6.04
  2. Northpole – I thought Annie Claus is Coming to Town was cheesy. – 6.00
  3. One Christmas Eve – Completely incoherent plot. Mashed together everyone’s worst Christmas ever stories. Best part was the real stories. – 5.99
  4. Christmas Spirit – This movie bugged me. – 5.90
  5. The Thanksgiving House – Completely unbelievable premise, not in a good way. – 5.80
  6. Farewell Mr. Kringle – Another cross lady. Don’t really want to root for her. – 5.75
  7. The Wishing Tree – Children acting out. That sounds right up my alley. – 5.70
  8. Best Christmas Party Ever – They tell me that the lead female is good at her job, but then show her being completely incompetent. Only a strong male lead saves this from a near bottom rating – 5.50
  9. Christmas Song – Would this movie work if they weren’t so pretty? Would any of them? – 5.25
  10. Angels and Ornaments – Next time, Hallmark, find someone who can sing to play an aspiring singer. Also, maybe have the main characters know the first damn thing about each other. Especially, if they are best friends. – 5.00
  11. Lucky Christmas – Just give the lady back her lottery ticket, you douchebag. – 4.95
  12. Hats off to Christmas – Unengaging characters, impossible to root for. – 4.90
  13. Love at the Thanksgiving Parade – Wow is lead female annoying. – 4.85
  14. Finding Christmas – A House swap that doesn’t work. – 4.80
  15. All I want for Christmas – If you can’t find anything nice to say…This film fit the appropriate time allotted. – 4.75
  16. It’s Christmas, Carol – A poorly done Christmas Carol. Stars Tori Spelling, adjust your ratings accordingly. – 4.70
  17. Mr. Miracle – The male lead was actively trying to make me dislike him. He succeeded. Too bad the plot didn’t. – 3.90
  18. The Christmas Parade – Do you understand how bad the acting has to be for me to find a movie intolerable? Apparently, the casting director didn’t. – 3.80
  19. Mrs. Miracle – I don’t understand. I am supposed to like two obnoxious brats? – 2.10
  20. Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus – I never want to see Steve Gutenberg again – 2.00

So curl up in front of the Air Conditioner with some cookies and a cool cocoa (aka Chocolate Milk) and watch some Christmas movies. Merry Christmas Everyone!

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