Hallmark Movie Rankings (Non Christmas Edition)

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I promised I’d be back for more snark about Hallmark movies.  Here is the ranking of all the non-Christmas movies.  Apparently, there was some doubt that I had watched all the Hallmark Christmas Movies, let me assure you that I have seen all of those.  I have seen all of these non-holiday themed Hallmark movies too.  On with the rankings:

  1. The Lost Valentine – Betty White recounts a lost love on Valentine’s Day. A sweet and charming movie.  Rating: 7.50

2t. I Do, I Do, I Do – A Groundhog Day style movie, with unintentional comedy off the scale.  Rating: 7.30

2t. Second Chances – An injured firefighter and dispatcher room together.  The dispatcher’s kids try to set them up.  The characters are very likable.  Rating: 7.30

  1. All of My Heart – A standard Hallmark movie plot, but genuine chemistry between the leads makes this a watchable movie. Rating: 7.25
  2. How To Fall In Love – A nerdy accountant enlists his childhood crush to help him woo a beautiful woman. As a nerdy actuary I can relate to it. Rating: 7.10
  3. Elevator Girl – Boy meets girl in an elevator. They somehow make it work despite having nothing in common. Rating: 6.90
  4. Seven Year Hitch – Two friends have been living together for seven years. This makes them married under common law. Male refuses to sign annulment because he loves her and doesn’t want her to marry her jackass boyfriend.  Rating: 6.85
  5. Crush on You – A case of mistaken identity. A man starts an e-mail correspondence with the woman of his dreams only to find that he was e-mailing someone else the whole time. Rating: 6.80
  6. Loving Leah – Not only acknowledges Judaism, but makes it a center point. Likable characters, but chemistry a bit lacking. Rating: 6.75
  7. The Nearlyweds – A pastor dies before signing three marriage certificates. The couples struggle in their new life and must decide whether to re-marry. Bonus points for something a little different from Hallmark.  Rating: 6.70
  8. Puppy Love – Woman and child find a lost dog and agree to split custody with a baseball player. Bonus points for the dog. Rating: 6.65

12t. June in January – Plan a wedding in less than a month.  Ready, GO!  The couple miraculously stays together.  Rating: 6.60

12t. Love, Again – A couple on the verge of separation find there is still love in their marriage whilst at their daughter’s wedding weekend.  They learned nothing and will probably get divorced a year after the movie ends.  Rating: 6.60

  1. Surprised by Love – A woman tries to get her parents to like her current boyfriend by bringing home an ex-boyfriend that they liked less. It turns out how you expect it to. Rating: 6.50
  2. Smooch – A little girl kisses a frog and finds an amnesiac prince. Mom and prince fall in love. Rating: 6.45

16t. Bridal Wave – Bride to be goes to a “wedding factory” (where they churn out dozens of weddings a day).  She goes through the motions and breaks up with her fiancée in the most unrealistically amicable split in the history of the world.  Rating: 6.40

16t. Honeymoon for One – Woman breaks up with fiancée, but goes on honeymoon anyway.  Meets someone better.  Rating: 6.40

16t. I Married Who?  – Engaged woman runs off to Vegas.  Marries someone else.  That someone else is a superstar actor.  The fiancée doesn’t take it well.  Rating: 6.40

19t. My Boyfriends’ Dogs – Woman accumulates dogs with every relationship.  Ignores the obvious guy in front of her.  Rating: 6.35

19t. Away & Back – Little girl, child of single dad, doesn’t think papa swan can raise baby swans by himself so she steals the eggs.  Speaks highly of her opinion on her father’s own parenting skills.  Rating: 6.35

21t. A Taste of Romance – Firefighter opens restaurant next to long time chef.  He is instantly more successful, she is bitter, but ultimately they fall in love.  Rating: 6.30

21t. Be My Valentine – Another firefighter.  This time he falls in love with a florist.  Rating: 6.30

  1. Recipe for Love – A writer falls for her subject. Undeniable chemistry between the two. Rating 6.25
  2. The Country Wedding – Two California actors and their almost authentic accents, almost wasn’t distracting. A female rancher helps plan a male singer’s wedding despite him not knowing her favorite color, flavor, flower, or that she is allergic to coconut. Rating: 6.23
  3. Perfect Match – Even more predictable than a normal Hallmark movie. Rating: 6.21
  4. Operation Cupcake – A military man has trouble readjusting to his new home life. Rating: 6.20
  5. Just the Way You Are – A Billy Joel song for an intro might be the best part of the movie. Likable characters, but no real conflict to speak of. Rating: 6.15

28t. Cloudy with a Chance of Love – A strong female lead as a meteorologist.  But, an incoherent story and poor characters outside of the female lead drag this down.  Rating: 6.10

28t. Stranded in Paradise – A workaholic woman flies to Puerto Rico after losing her job to try to get it back.  After a hurricane shuts down the island, she discovers there is more to life than work.  Rating: 6.10

28t. The Wish List – Woman makes a list of her perfect man.  Proceeds to fall in love with a man who has none of those qualities.  I’m sure that will work out well.  Rating: 6.10

  1. In My Dreams – Interesting premise but fails on multiple levels. Blah characters, cheesy dialogue (even by Hallmark standards), and a plot that doesn’t make sense. Rating: 6.05
  2. A Novel Romance – An anonymous author falls in love with a critic. Despite numerous opportunities he decides NOT to tell the truth. Rating: 6.00

33t. Looking for Mr. Right – An aspiring novelist finally gets her big break only to discover her agent thinks it is a true story.  It goes downhill from there.  Rating: 6.00

33t. Perfect on Paper – A woman meets a man who matches none of her criteria.  Rating: 6.00

35t. Reading, Writing, and Romance – An actor takes a job as a teacher to make ends meet.  He is a better teacher than actor.  Take that sentence however you want.  Rating: 5.90

35t. Wishing Well – A punishment a writer gets sent to a small town where wishes made at a wishing well comes true.  She sure showed her boss, by falling in love with the town and its quirky townsfolk.  Rating: 5.90

  1. The Magic of Ordinary Days – Doesn’t feel like a Hallmark movie. Felt edited to fit the time allotted. Constantly confused.  Rating: 5.85

38t. Banner 4th of July – Woman fakes a heart attack so her estranged children will play a concert together.  Yes, it’s as bad as it sounds.  Rating: 5.80

38t. Love by the Book – Unlikeable female lead tries to save her dying bookstore.  But she doesn’t know it’s dying.  Quite the competent character you created Hallmark.  Rating: 5.80

38t. The Sweeter Side of Life – Stuck up woman lives off husband’s money.  Forced to actually do something with her life once her husband leaves her.  Rating: 5.80

38t. Uncorked – At least this Hallmark lead is likable, but her actions are too dumb to make the movie likable.  Rating: 5.80

  1. Love Begins [Series of Movies] –A series of movies exactly like one another. Once you’ve seen one you’ve seen like all six or however many there are. Each one is more boring than the last.  Rating: 5.70
  2. A Ring by Spring – Female lead is annoyingly cheerful – like laughs when another character is in hospital. It’s okay not to be happy all the time. Rating: 5.65

44t. A Wish Come True – A woman, who is supposed to be great at her job, is actually terrible at it.  No one calls her on it.  The plot doesn’t make any sense either.  Rating: 5.60

44t. Lucky in Love – A woman makes a wish that her life were perfect on April Fool’s Day.  I didn’t know that was a thing.  It comes true and I didn’t care.  Uncompelling movie.  Rating: 5.60

44t. So You Said Yes – Female lead is a sanctimonious, hypocrite, know-it-all, who turns out to be wrong most of the time.  Other than that, it’s just fine.  Rating: 5.60

  1. For Better or For Worse – Wedding planner falls in love with a divorce attorney after their kids fall in love. Preposterous wedding plans, which are, of course, indulged. Rating: 5.55

48t. Chance at Romance – A relationship starts on a lie by a child.  Awesome.  Rating: 5.50

48t. Midnight Masquerade – A poorly done Cinderella story.  Rating: 5.50

48t. When Sparks Fly – A woman leaves her boyfriend because there aren’t any jobs for lawyers in Chicago.  Rating: 5.50

  1. Backyard Wedding – Unlikable characters, weak plot (even by Hallmark standards). Rating: 5.40
  2. Portrait of Love – Unoriginal plot, unlikable characters, unexplained events. Rating: 5.35
  3. Mom’s Day Away – Unappreciated mother gets a day away from her ungrateful family. She should have stayed away. So should you for that matter.  Rating: 5.30
  4. Straight from the Heart – A New York photographer flies out to Wyoming to meet a man from a personals ad. They have nothing in common so obviously they should get together. Never mind where they are going to live.  Rating: 5.20
  5. See Jane Date – A lonely woman makes up a boyfriend because the only status is who your boyfriend is. Great message Hallmark. Rating: 5.10
  6. Just Desserts – A chef and baker overcome their differences to fall in love. Rating: 5.00
  7. Growing the Big One – It sounds dirty, but it isn’t. An absurd story about growing 1000 pound pumpkins. Rating: 4.90
  8. A Lesson in Romance – Or a lesson in stalking. A workaholic mom doesn’t have time for her family until they move away to go (back) to school. She turns to stalking to win them back.  Rating: 4.80
  9. Chateau Meroux – How bad does acting have to be for me to turn it off 30 minutes into the movie? This bad. Rating: INC 
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One thought on “Hallmark Movie Rankings (Non Christmas Edition)

  1. Ah….so you’re saying you haven’t seen Chateau Meroux. Ergo…you have not seen all of these. I need to find a more honest reviewer.

    Like

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