2016 Hallmark Movie of the Year (Holiday Edition)

This was a surprisingly good crop of holiday-themed movies this year (I should say Christmas-themed since there isn’t any mention of Hanukkah or other holidays). Since I didn’t review any of the movies individually, I’ll use this post to do a quick catch up of all the movies after first announcing the Hallmark Holiday Movie of the Year.

Hallmark Movie of the Year (Holiday Edition):

My Christmas Love (6.84) – Hopeless romantic, egocentric serial dater thinks she gets all the gifts from the Twelve Days of Christmas song. They aren’t even for her. The gifts were fun and the rest of the cast was hilarious.

Honorable Mention:

A Heavenly Christmas (6.81) – Workaholic actually seems happier in death than in life.

Mistletoe Promise (6.79) – Woman looks like she should be a White Walker from Game of Thrones, but is still charming as the fake girlfriend.

Dishonorable Mention: A Nutcracker Christmas (5.69) – An overly ambitious project for Hallmark falls flat on its face. The actors couldn’t dance and the dancers couldn’t act.

The Rest:

Christmas List (6.62) – Perfectionist tries to have the perfect Christmas because her mother never let her have it.

Broadcasting Christmas (6.61) – Woman competes against her ex-boyfriend for her dream job. Again.

Sleigh Bells Ring (6.56) – Woman tries to organize a Christmas parade in two weeks. Made more difficult since she tries to use Santa’s sleigh and it keeps disappearing.

A Wish for Christmas (6.55) – Woman wishes she had courage for Christmas. She turns into miss bossy-pants.

Love You Like Christmas (6.55) – Woman finds her Christmas spirit when she is trapped in a Christmas-obsessed town.

A Dream of Christmas (6.55) – Woman wishes she had never married. Not even a little bit like It’s a Wonderful Life.

My Christmas Dream (6.51) – Woman falls in love with an employee that she fired. Gives up her dream job for some reason.

Christmas Cookies (6.28) – Marketing executive goes to small town to shut down a Christmas cookie factory.

Every Christmas Has a Story (6.24) – Reporter says she hates Christmas so is forced to find her Christmas spirit in a small town.

A December Bride (6.18) – Woman is expected to forgive her cousin for stealing her fiancé because “she’s family”

Looks Like Christmas (6.18) – Single man tries to give his daughter a special Christmas, butts heads with local OCD woman.

Christmas in Homestead (6.13) – Movie star falls in love with small town mayor. Movie basically admits that it will never work.

Journey Back to Christmas (6.01) – Pfft, who actually think Hallmark can get time travel right?

2016 Hallmark Movie of the Year (Non-Holiday Edition)

Hallmark is expanding their movie seasons. They start with Winterfest, then Valentine’s Day, followed by Spring Fling, then June Weddings, before a short break before Fall Harvest rolls into Christmas (a separate category). This year’s Hallmark Movie of the Year is…

Valentine Ever After – From my review: “While it is a pretty standard plot, what I liked about Valentine Ever After was that Julia fell in love with the area first, then she found something that she liked doing (planning a fundraiser for the hospital), and then (and only then) did she fall in love with the guy.  Too many times in Hallmark movies is it backwards (or even worse — they quit the job that they love or give up their gorgeous condo without consideration for how they will feel months or years down the road.)  You can also add another jilted fiancé to the Hallmark pile, and at least he had the decency to be upset rather than shrug his shoulders and move on with his life as if his fiancée didn’t just dump him for another man.”

Honorable Mention: Summer Love – A woman falls in love with her boss. Then sues the company for millions. Ha! No, everything turns out fine, because it’s Hallmark!

Dishonorable Mention: Love on a Limb – Petulant city employee fails to do her job and chains herself to a tree instead of trying to find a solution to the problem.

Hallmark Movies: Catch-up

I have fallen woefully behind on my Hallmark movie reviews, much to the delight of some of my readers (and the chagrin of others). Rather than a full length post on each of a nearly dozen movies, I’ll just lump them all here, with short commentary. Currently, I am still at least three movies behind, but with the Countdown to Christmas nearly here, I wanted to update everyone on these stellar movies.

All Yours – Woman doesn’t believe a man can take care of her kids. No explanation given for this slap in the face. Rating: 5.78 (Rank: 66)

Wedding Bells – A couple who are clearly not going to get married, have their best friends plan their wedding after the bride’s parents’ money is tied up in a pyramid scheme. Rating 6.09 (Rank: 46)

The Convenient Groom – An online love advice columnist gives terrible advice and doesn’t listen to her boyfriend/fiancé. When they break up she conveniently finds a stand in. Rating: 6.64 (Rank: 15)

The Wedding March – Woman unknowingly schedules to have her wedding at an ex-boyfriend’s B&B. It goes as well as you would expect. Rating 6.39 (Rank: 25)

Summer Villa – The friend/publisher loans the use of her French villa to a writer to encourage book completion. The writer won’t be alone however, the publisher’s brother, a chef, is also there to for inspiration after a bad review. The rest writes itself. Rating 5.99 (Rank: 53)

Ms. Matched – A wedding planner butts heads with man who recommends budget weddings. While he is 100% correct, perhaps a wedding expo is not the place to espouse your ideas. Rating 5.79 (Rank: 65)

My Summer Prince – Another princess movie, interchangeable with all the other Hallmark princess movies. Rating 6.19 (Rank: 38)

Summer in the City – A “successful” business woman hires small town girl to run her New York City boutique. “Successful” business woman doesn’t know how to market her shop or do the books. She is also afraid to show her own clothes. Despite having zero business skill, she is trying to open a second shop. Rating 5.62 (Rank: 71)

Summer Love – A woman is caught in a love triangle between her boss and the CEO of the company. Ignoring obvious HR issues, a fun little movie. Enough twists to make it slightly different than all the other Hallmark movies. Rating: 6.69 (Rank: 13)

Summer of Dreams – Debbie Gibson stars as herself* in her own autobiography. Rating: 6.26 (Rank: 32)

Love on a Limb – A city employee chains herself to a tree to prevent it from being cut down instead of coming up with a solution to the problem and ends up costing the city thousands of dollars in the process. Rating 5.61 (Rank: 72)

*Her name changed to protect the innocent, but we all know it’s her.

Hallmark Movie Review: Stop the Wedding

Aired: 6/10/16 on Hallmark Channel

When Anna’s aunt Belle gets engaged to a famous celebrity, Sean Castleberry, Anna fears that he will just break her aunt’s heart before moving on to his next conquest.  When Clay Castleberry’s father gets engaged, he assumes the bride-to-be is just a gold digger.  So, Anna and Clay team up to Stop the Wedding.  But a funny thing happened on the way to the forum.  Anna and Clay realize that they have made a mistake – Belle and Sean do love each other.  Then an even funnier thing happened on the way to the altar.  Anna and Clay fall in love.  Bet you didn’t see that coming from a Hallmark movie.

Rachel Boston, who plays Anna, is much better here than her previous roles on Hallmark movies – she actually displayed the proper range of emotions instead of smiling and laughing at everything.  The one thing not made clear, however, is how Anna and Clay are going to make their relationship work.  Anna owns her own law firm in San Francisco, while Clay owns his own medical practice in Boston.  Neither of these things are mobile.  Where are they going to live?  Is this going to be a long distance relationship?  Anna at least has the sense to point this out, but her aunts just dismiss it saying love is all that matters. Insert eye rolly emoticon* here.

Stop the Wedding was a mostly logical and sensible plot for Hallmark (other than the whole living-3000-miles-apart thing).  The director was clearly better than normal as well – getting Boston to be a normal person.  That earns Stop the Wedding above average rating but not much more since it still had some question marks.

WWYT Rating: 6.32

Ranking: 25

23t. My Boyfriend’s Dogs

23t. Away & Back

26. Love by Chance

*No I am not calling it an emoji.  When did it change?  And why did it change?  Emoticon is more correct.

Hallmark Movie Review: Date with Love

Aired:5/21/2016 on Hallmark Channel

Hallmark does the 80s.  Date with Love channels John Hughes with its teen angst.  The most comparable movie I thought of was Some Kind of Wonderful, which is probably my favorite Hughes movie.

David wants a date to the prom, so he asks a girl only to be rejected.  Apparently, he asked 15(!) different girls and was rejected by all of them.  No word on whether he was just going in alphabetical order or not.  Wouldn’t the, say, tenth girl be offended?  I mean I’m not  female (and never have been, NTTATWWT), but it is my understanding that girls talk to each other. Anyway, after number 15, he goes in a different direction – he asks a famous movie star.  Since she is in need of some good publicity she agrees to go to the prom with him.   We, of course, are supposed to ignore that a 26-year-old movie star going out with the (hopefully) 18-year-old high school senior isn’t icky.  Meanwhile, David is too blind to see that his best friend likes him (it’s unfortunate that her last name started with a zee (probably)).

In the end, Date with Love gets some bonus points for breaking from the normal Hallmark script and moving toward an 80s style movie, but not enough and it still suffers from eye rolling dialogue and plot, just like any other Hallmark movie.

 

WWYT Rating: 6.42

Ranking: 19

18. Smooch

20t. Bridal Wave

20t. Honeymoon for One

20t. I Married Who?

Hallmark Movie Review: Tulips in Spring

Aired: May 14, 2016 on Hallmark Channel

Tulips in spring is exactly what you’d expect, so is the movie Tulips in Spring.  Tulips in fall might a little bit more surprising.  But what do you know, Hallmark went with what was expected.

Rose loves flowers.  She is named after a flower, wears floral patterns, talks about flowers all the time, and her parents own a tulip farm.  So logically, she is an interior designer.  Sure, she tries some mumbo jumbo about not doing what is expected of her as the rationale for not taking over the family farm.  Of course, this means that without her the farm is struggling to survive (seriously, how did any Hallmark family ever run a business without a child?).  Anyway, when Rose’s father breaks his leg, she returns to help out while he recovers.  Upon her return, she discovers a tulip broker has entered the family in a special contest (one that will lead to added publicity and potentially save the farm).  Their efforts to grow a special flower, however, have been sabotaged by another tulip farm owner, Violet.  Since this isn’t tulips in fall, Rose saves the day, the flower wins the contest, Rose falls in the love with the broker, quits her interior design job and moves back home.

Tulips in Spring has some head scratching decisions – like Rose’s decision to become an interior designer and the threat Violet holds over the broker.  I would have expected that a broker would have way more leverage over a single tulip farm than the other way around.  The broker knows all the key retailers, and could get business from other farms.  But predictability is Hallmark’s strength (and weakness), so Tulips in Spring is exactly what you’d expect.

 

WWYT Rating: 6.22

Ranking: 29

28. The Country Wedding

30. Perfect Match

Hallmark Movie Review: Love by Chance

Aired: 4/16/16

Love by Chance is the final installment of Hallmark’s Spring Fling.  If you wonder how Hallmark can crank out so many movies in a year, it is because they use about two scripts and then just change the names and casting and film a new one.  Love by Chance is the “I’m going to start this relationship with a lie” script.

Helen Michaels is a psycho, over controlling mother.  Helen controls her daughter’s work, clothes, and love life.  Psycho mom even creates an online dating profile for Claire (her daughter).  Psycho mom sets up dates, meets the potential suitors, telling them to go out with her daughter.  These men can’t run away fast enough, because, well, obviously, their future mother-in-law would be a nightmare.

During one of these attempts to convince a poor sap to go out with her daughter, psycho mom meets a man wearing a shirt two sizes too small.  Psycho mom tracks down Mr. Tight Shirt at his pediatric office and convinces him to “accidentally” run into her daughter.  It is love at first sight when Claire and Mr. Tight Shirt meet at an art show later that week.  Complications arise because Mr. Tight Shirt promised psycho mom that he would pretend like it was an act of fate that brought them together, not an act of psycho mom.  When Claire finds out, she breaks up with Mr. Tight Shirt.  Except this is Hallmark so everyone is eventually forgiven and lives happily ever after.

Love by Chance is a standard Hallmark plot.  The characters are likable enough (even psycho mom), but nothing exceptional about the main characters, nor the sidekicks.  I didn’t love it or hate it.  If you come across this by chance, feel free to watch it, but just be aware that your mother probably organized for you to see it.

 

Rating: 6.31

Ranking: 24

22t. Away & Back

22t. My Boyfriend’s Dogs

25t. A Taste of Romance

25t. Be My Valentine

Hallmark Movie Review: Hearts of Spring

Aired: 4/9/16 on Hallmark Channel

Lisa Whelchel, better known as “Blair” from Facts of Life, stars in Hearts of Spring.  In fact, she is only known as Blair, but that is what happens when you don’t play another role for 30+ years.

In Hearts of Spring, Blair plays a flower shop owner who also blogs about parenting – and frankly it is bad parenting advice (so much worse than bad reviews).  She basically advises parents to let kids do whatever they want (under the guise of “listening to them.”)  Michael Shanks (I miss Stargate) is a pediatrician who has to deal with the obnoxious brats that her advice churns out.  Shanks starts writing nasty comments on Blair’s blog.  When Blair and Shanks meet in real life the attraction is instant, but unbeknownst to them they are each other’s online rivals.  This gives the movie a Shop Around the Corner vibe (except reversed).

As it turns out, both of their parenting styles are wrong.  Shanks is too strict and Blair is too loosey-goosey, but together, you guessed it – they will make a great team!  Or that is what is heavily implied by Hallmark.  There is nothing exceptional about Hearts of Spring, it is just like all the others.

Rating: 6.01

Ranking: 38

37. In My Dreams

39t. A Novel Romance

39t. Accidentally in Love

39t. Looking for Mr. Right

39t. Perfect on Paper

Hallmark Movie Review: All Yours

Aired: 4/2/16 on Hallmark Channel

When I sat down to review this movie, I couldn’t remember the name of the movie.  Maybe it’s because All Yours is so generic a title and it has nothing to do with the movie, though perhaps it is apt since the movie is so generic.

Cass McKay (Nicollette Sheridan) is a widow (Hallmark – home of the jilted fiancé and the dead husband) and a lawyer.  Her kids are little hellions that force out nanny after nanny.  Vincent is a journeyman – he graduated from Stanford Law, and sailed around the world.  Vincent’s father is building a complex at the local marina, one that would cost jobs (not sure how this would cost jobs and not create them, but that is the story).  Vincent and his father come to an agreement.  If he sticks around and nannies the Cass children then the marina project will get cancelled.  I don’t know why you would give up a multi-million-dollar project for someone else’s kids, but it’s Hallmark.

Perhaps the most offensive part of this movie (other than the absurd plot) was Cass’s reaction to the “manny,” stating that she doesn’t want a man to take care of her kids.  Seriously?  What do you think a father does?  Cass also reacts poorly to finding out that Vincent took the job as an agreement (they called it a bet, though it didn’t feel like a bet) with his father.  She flips out and fires him.  Why?  Who cares why he took the job.  Your kids like them, wouldn’t that be enough?

Other than being offensive, having a silly plot, and an impossible to remember name, All Yours is just fine.

WWYT Rating: 5.59

Ranking: 60

57t. A Wish Come True

57t. Lucky in Love

57t. So You Said Yes

61. For Better or For Worse

Hallmark Movie Review: Appetite for Love

Aired: 2/6/16 on Hallmark Channel

In my last Hallmark review, I pointed out how much I liked how the lead fell in love with the area, then found a job she loved, then fell in love with the guy.  Appetite for Love is the exact opposite.  The lead, Mina, has a job she loves, loves living in the city, (in fact, couldn’t wait to get out of her small hometown after high school), but of course ends up there, because they always do.

Mina is named the brand manager for a new franchise restaurant, Hart’s, that her company just bought.  Hart’s is owned by her high school sweetheart, Clay, in her hometown in Tennessee.  Clay inherited the diner from his father who passed away suddenly after selling the diner to ICB (the company Mina works for.)  If you have seen a Hallmark movie before, you know where this is headed.  She butts heads with Clay at first, but eventually comes around to love him and the small town, which she hated so much at the beginning of the movie.  How long before she gets bored with it again?  A year?  Two?

The entire premise is shaky at best.  I don’t understand why the deal was made in the first place.  It makes no sense from either party’s perspective.  ICB buys this tiny diner in the middle of nowhere Tennessee – why?  Even the executives realize that the food from the franchise is terrible, and they claim people will go there for familiarity of “Americana.”  Except that the movie makes it pretty clear that this isn’t a tourist destination, so who exactly would be going to the franchise restaurant for “familiarity?”  If you aren’t going there for the food or for the atmosphere, why did they think they would get any money out of this deal?

On the other side, why did Clay’s father sell the place to a giant heartless corporation?  His son is more than willing and able to run the business, why wouldn’t he just let his son take over?  If they were struggling for cash, they could do a number of things to improve profits before selling to a company that will completely change your business model for the worse.  Frozen meat?  Lousy food?  What part of that sounds like a winning strategy, especially when you have local farm fresh ingredients available?

Appetite for Love makes little sense from a logical standpoint, and I don’t see why Mina would stay in the small town she couldn’t wait to leave as a teenager.

Rating: 5.75

Ranking: 53

48t. Banner 4^th of July

48t. Love by the Book

48t. The Sweeter Side of Life

48t. Uncorked

54. Love Begins (Series of movies)